Floating Workshop!
sorry guys for being late. i apologize. hope you like it, this is the essay from unit 1. (remembering an event!) . please leave comments. thank you!
sorry guys for being late. i apologize. hope you like it, this is the essay from unit 1. (remembering an event!) . please leave comments. thank you!
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Essay writer’s name__Nadib____________ Peer’s name__Huzaifa________________________
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
The essay related my because I have gone through the same expierience
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
NO
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Most likely immigrants in America
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. He is talking about his experience as an Immigrant in America.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Moving to a different country gave the writer better understanding of his life.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
YES
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
None
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
None
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
None
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
YES
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? YES
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
Huzaifa Ahmed - April 24, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I enjoyed reading your essay because it reminded me of when I moved to this country. I went through some of the same experiences and it was interesting to see how other people dealt with them. I do have some suggestions that I think you should work on to improve your paper. The introduction I think didn’t do a great job in engaging the reader and capturing our attention. You started telling your story in the intro and I don’t think that was a good idea because what you wrote there should be included later on the body of your paper. Then on your 6th paragraph it’s as if you begin telling the story again. You write about when you landed in New York and that should be somewhere in the opening paragraphs. Also, I think that you should focus more on one incident than a broad topic of everything you had to go through in a 3 year span. Instances such as maybe the first week or that first day of school would be some good ideas to elaborate on because they might be able to show more emotion that will better engage the reader. Another thing that might help is telling your readers the reasons why you moved to New York. You write a lot about the expectations you had before moving and mention that your life in Bangladesh was good. So I think that you should mention some reasons why you left that life to come to New York and be disappointed with what you found.
ezswoosh - April 24, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name: Nadib Al-Islam Peer’s name: Kingsley Osuji
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I felt as if your move was very hard on you at the time but helped you develop as a man.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES Describing the struggles of adjusting to a new culture/society
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
I believe that this essay would be very helpful to immigrants who are transitioning to American
Culture too.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Anyone who is experiencing a new culture and peoples.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. Who would have thought that moving into a different country would be so difficult?
b.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
I believe that the thesis of this story is the development from a boy to a man.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 NO
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 NO
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: YES, the writer has
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject: (It is just my opinion, I am not trying to be offensive in any way) I feel as though the part in the story where you go back to Bangladesh sort of kills your thesis. I believe that your thesis is about your development from a boy to a man. The way you anticipate and react going back to Bangladesh brings you backwards instead of forwards in your development as a man.
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? YES
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
mightymouse123 - April 24, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Wow, I really enjoyed your essay. I’m glad I decided to do the floating workshop after all. Firsly, I can relate greatly since I came to the US at around that time as well (I only beat you by a year – immigrant since 1998). The anecdote with your cross-dressing incident made me laugh and tear up at the same time. The way you write is easy to understand and draws the reader right into your personal thoughts, and your heart. I can definitely relate to what you wrote about expectations: I had the notion that there was no dust or dirt on the streets, that everything was rich and beautiful. It’s also ironic that you came on 9/11, and I had to read that part over (I wrote my essay on 9/11/01 by the way).
You are very open with the audience, and are not afraid to show your vulnerability. The conclusion really shows your maturity from this personal event.
My only suggestion is to read over the draft out loud and catch minor mistakes such as grammar, etc. Some paragraphs are very short, so look for ways to incorporate them together, but just the way it is works too. Also, the intro dives right in, so maybe break it up into two separate paragraphs right after you list what you had to get used to. Some quotes may make the story come alive more, by showing your relationships with other people.
Marina - April 24, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Sorry, I forgot to write my name: Marina Yermolayeva.
Marina - April 24, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Written Peer Response
Tiasia Currie for: Nadib Al-Islam
Your introduction was very well written and it drew me into the story. It presented your feelings early, and gave me a look into your new transition, and difficulties you faced. I love the topic you wrote on. It was very personal, yet informing. The essay really gave me an in-depth look at the realities and difficulties you were face with. Things that you struggled to adapt to I never even had to think twice about. I thought it was brave of you to share the experience you had when you wore the wrong clothes to school. It showed that you really took this assignment seriously, and put your all into it. I was just a bit confused at some points. Where were your parents? Why did you come to America? The fourth paragraph was if you introduced us to what you were going to cover, without saying it directly. I thought that was a great way to touch on the topics. Later on in the essay you mentioned your parents, but in the beginning it was a little confusing. This sentence to me was a little jumbled: “My dad explained to me it’s very rare to have that people in here have servants.” I think your ending, just with a lot of peoples endings, were wrapped up a little too quickly. You kept stating “my country”, it felt a little redundant. I liked your topic a lot. I really enjoyed reading your essay.
Tiasia - April 27, 2008 at 5:26 pm
its a nice story, although i think you should try to add some more detail at the ending to see how the trip turned you into an adult. Also i when you speak of leaving to go back to ny for the second time you say “Going inside the plane, I felt like a grown up. I felt how adults feel. I cried like they would cry.” it doesnt sound like you felt like an adult. Usually adults do not refer to themselves as “grown ups” and by saying you cried like they would cry still sounds like you are a child mimicking and adult. It might sound better if you wrote i cried like my parents did. I had the same emotions of leaving as my parents. It sounds like it comes from an adult point of view. I also think you should try to add some quotes so the reader can get more emotion out of the paper. I enjoyed the little story about you dressing like a girl, it was funny and lightened the mood. It also showed you werent afraid to hold anything back from your paper. The story is very entertain and enjoyable i would just work on the little things and it will be so much better!
Jaclyn Villalba
Jaclyn Villalba<3 - April 27, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I thought is was a well-written essay. There were some grammar mistakes. Just read over your essay and fix those. Also I think that you could put some more detail to make the paragraphs more lively. This essay really showed who you are inside which was really easy to interprate. I cannot say I can relate to your situation but my parents went through the same thing and they always remind me how hard it was for them to adjust to America. I really enjoyed the essay
anthony han - April 28, 2008 at 1:57 am
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name Nadib Al-Islam Peer’s name Nicholas King
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I was thinking that it must be hard going from one country to another.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES What do you see as that purpose?
Telling a story about moving from one country to another
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Any person from a foreign country
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Mostly teenagers that have immigrated to another country
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. descriptive details about the changes from one country to another
b. word choice for teenagers that is easy to read
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Transition from moving to another country
Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
Yes both countries are described
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
none
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
yes
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? YES
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
king1296 - April 28, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name___Nadib___________ Peer’s name_____Mike________
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I enjoyed reading this draft. All the things that he had went through, and he was only ten years old; is incredible.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
NO
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Anyone who has had a problem adjusting to a new place that is different form everything that you’re used to.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
The essay is directed towards people not born within the United States, and is experiencing our culture for the first time.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. The part where he went to school, in female clothing,
b. Who would’ve thought that people from different countries, would have that impression of America.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Is it difficult to adjust to something that your not used to .
Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? YES
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
Nadib, his father, his mother
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
Personal experience
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
NONE
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
YES
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? YES
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
Mike Francois - April 29, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name Nadib Al-Islam Peer’s name Tanisha Daley
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I think that moving would have been really hard.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES What do you see as that purpose?
Told a detailed storying about moving.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Any body who experianced moving from one country to the next.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Mostly teenagers that have immigrated
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a.
b.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here
The struggles of moving from one country to the next.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
Yes both countries are described
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
none
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
yes
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? YES
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
chutsze - April 30, 2008 at 5:33 am
I actually really enjoyed reading your essay. It was insightful and touched on something that I have never experienced before. I think your introduction needs work, though. The first sentence “Who would have thought moving to a new country would be so difficult?” seems a little off to me. I would think that most people would assume moving to a new country would be extremely difficult. It is usually better to try and stay away from starting your essay with a question unless it is really deep and pressing and I don’t think it really works here. The conclusion also needs work too. It seemed rushed to me like you were trying to suddenly wrap things up and be done with it. I think it would help your essay a lot to go into more detail and analyze things more toward the end of the essay. There are a few grammatical errors as well. Re-read your sentences and make sure whatever you are trying to say is clearly addressed. Overall has a lot of potential though.
acarzoli - April 30, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Essay writer’s name_____Nadib____________ Peer’s name____Josue______________________
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I found it to be interesting and unique with minor flaws.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment? Yes
YES NO What do you see as that purpose? Tell an interesting story
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Anyone who enjoys a biography
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
University students
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a.word choice collegiate vocabulary
b.tone
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
The struggles of moving from one country to the next. ( My suggestion is to try to make your thesis more prevalent in the story)
Is the thesis specific enough? YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 No
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 No
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: Yes
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? Yes
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant? Yes
c. Is the information understandable to you? Yes
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? Yes
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)? Not really
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? YES
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
Josue - May 3, 2008 at 1:27 am